Adopting an older boy

What’s it like to adopt an older boy? Sindhu adopted her son when he was 7. We spoke to her about her experience, her best advice for people thinking about adoption and the support available.

Can you tell us a little about your family and what inspired to you to adopt?

We’re from India originally, and we’d always wanted to adopt but it’s uncommon there unless you’re unable to have a child naturally. As we have two biological children and with busy day-to-day life and moving to the UK, the time was just never quite right.

When our girls were a bit older, they started saying that if we wanted to adopt, we should do it now as they wanted a chance to spend some time with their new sibling. So, that was it, we decided to go for it.

Can you tell us a bit about your adoption journey?

We came across an ad from a local adoption agency and decided we would sign up. We attended events, workshops and meetings to learn more about the process in the UK.

We originally wanted to adopt a baby but then a social worker told us that older children are much more difficult to find homes for, and we realised that age didn’t really matter to us – we just wanted a child.

What has it been like to adopt an older child?

To be honest, I think it can sometimes be easier to adopt an older child. I know there is a belief that if you adopt a smaller child then it’s easier, but I don’t think that’s always true. When a child is a bit older, they have a better understanding of what they’ve been through. It’s easier for them to understand why they are where they are and to explain things to them as well.

For us, structure and having a routine has been key. Having rules that every member of the family has to follow, shows them that this is their safe place and that they are truly part of the family. I think this is easier for an older child to understand.

As with any parent, we’ve stumbled and made mistakes, but we always learn from those mistakes and then try to do better. We’re not perfect parents and adoptive parents aren’t expected to be either. We’re all human and we all make mistakes, but you just have to make sure you always learn from it.

There are currently more boys waiting for adoption than girls, can you tell us what it’s like adopting a boy and why you chose to adopt a son?

It’s funny because in India, it’s the complete opposite. Every woman wants a son, so it is very hard to adopt a boy in India. Because we already had two girls, we went in thinking we would adopt another girl but then we found out boys wait longer for adoption in the UK and almost immediately decided that we would adopt a boy. At the end of the day, they are all children and gender did not matter to us, we just wanted to give a child a loving home.  

We adopted a boy who had been in foster care for almost a year. We were made aware he had some physical issues; he was missing a foot and had a condition that meant his fingers were shorter. My husband and I said to each other, “does it really matter?” and of course,  it doesn’t. If it had been one of our girls who had been in an accident and lost a foot, would we no longer want them? We wouldn’t, so it wasn’t a concern for us.

When he first came home with us, it was a big change for him, but he bonded with us all quickly. I think the familiar Indian smells and food did make it easier for him to settle. He’s a brilliant and resilient kid, he’s so smart and he gets along with everyone. He is our baby boy, and it has just been the most amazing journey.

Did you need / get any post-adoption support?

When he first came home with us, we had a social worker and a psychologist that came and did reports and checks as well as helping us with any issues. They helped us make sure he settled in school and when our youngest daughter struggled to accept that she was no longer the baby of the house.

To this day, we have all their email addresses and numbers and if we need anything, we know we can call or email them. It is like a support for life, we know it will always be there if we need it.

Even though we had biological children of our own, that support was still essential for us because there were still so many things we did not know, and we’d have been lost without it.

What do you wish you would have known before starting the process?

We were surprised at how thorough the process was but we also understand the reason for that. It’s in the best interest of everyone involved that it takes time because ultimately the agency and social workers have to make sure the child is going to a safe place.

What advice would you give to someone who has just adopted or is thinking about adoption?

Just go for it and don’t give up. It can be a tiring process but it’s also a very rewarding one. Love is something we’ll have forever; we just need to share it. There are so many children out there who just need a little bit of that love. Adopting a child really is the most wonderful feeling, and it has without a doubt been the best decision of our lives.

How has adoption changed your life / what has adoption brought to your life?

The feeling can never be expressed, it’s just so beautiful. We feel a sense of satisfaction and relief to share what we have with a little boy who deserves all of the love in the world. You know that you have created that happiness for another person and it’s the most amazing thing.

If adoption is something you have considered, but want to learn more, please contact us for an informal discussion. We’ll support you every step of the way and help to create your golden moments of becoming a family.

You can get in touch by phone 0300 30 32 505 or email adoptionenquiries@carmarthenshire.gov.uk

We are also on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Adoption Myths

We need adopters from a variety of backgrounds so we can place children with families and individuals who share their own culture, language, and religion, and many people now decide to start a family later in life.

We are interested in what you can bring to a child’s life. Ultimately it is your capacity to make a commitment to providing a loving and permanent home to a child which makes a difference.

There are many reasons why people think they are not eligible to adopt, but here are some of the myths that surround adoption.

Myth #1: I’m too old to adopt

There is no upper age limit for adopting a child – the only age-related stipulation for adoption is that you must be over 21 years of age. We will take into account each applicants’ individual circumstances including checking that you are in good health, you have a good support network, and you are likely to be able to support an adopted child into adulthood, but many people in their 40s and 50s have successfully adopted children.

Myth #2: I can’t adopt because I’m LGBTQ+

The law allows same sex couples, the right to adopt, and this became law in December 2005. If you are a same sex couple you don’t need to be in a Civil Partnership or married to adopt, you will need to show that you are living together in an enduring relationship.

Myth #3: I can’t adopt because I’m single

A common misconception with adoption is that you must be married to adopt. However, a single person can adopt if they would like to add a child to their life. We welcome enquiries from Single people of any gender. We will discuss the support that you have around you during the assessment process.

Myth #4: We aren’t married, so we won’t be allowed to adopt

You can adopt a child regardless of your marital status – whether you’re single, unmarried, or in a civil partnership. It is usually recommended that you and your partner have lived together for at least one year before beginning your adoption journey, but as long as you can demonstrate that you are in a stable, enduring and resilient relationship, you will be able to apply together to become adoptive parents.

Myth #5: I don’t own my own home, so I’m not eligible to adopt

You don’t need to be a homeowner to adopt a child. If you have a stable rental agreement in the property you’re renting, you can be considered for adoption. Ideally, you will need a spare bedroom for an adopted child; it is important that they have a space which they can call their own. It can also be particularly helpful when adopting a slightly older child, as relationships with existing children in the family can take time to settle down.

Myth #6: I work full time, so I can’t be considered for adoption

It’s not necessarily true that being a full-time worker will exclude you from becoming an adoptive parent. It is true that you (or your partner, if you are adopting as a couple) would be encouraged to take an extended period of adoption leave from work, to help your new child to feel safe, settled, and secure in their new family.

We encourage adopters to think about how they will manage financially whilst taking time off work.  People who are employed are entitled to paid adoption leave, but those who are self-employed will particularly need to consider how they will balance the need to work and the need to offer a child that vital stability early in the placement.

Myth #7: I’m unemployed / on benefits, so I’m not allowed to adopt

Your financial stability and money-management abilities will be discussed during the adoption assessment, but being unemployed, on a low income or on benefits will NOT automatically exclude you from becoming an adoptive parent.

If your job has been affected by the COVID-19 pandemic and / or you have been furloughed during the last few months, this will not automatically rule you out either. Please discuss your situation openly with us, and we will support and advise you.

In some circumstances, financial support may be available from the agency placing the child, so please talk to us before ruling yourself out.

Myth #8: I already have birth children, so I won’t be allowed to adopt

Having birth children will not necessarily prevent you from becoming an adoptive parent too. The age gap between your birth children and any prospective adoptive children will be considered, as will each child’s position within the family. Usually, agencies would want an adopted child to be the youngest in the family by at least two years.

We will work closely with you to ensure that the needs of ALL the children involved are recognised.

Myth #9: I can’t adopt because I follow a particular faith / religion

Adopters can be of any or no religious faith. Children who are waiting for adoption come from many different backgrounds, cultures and religions, and adoption agencies accordingly welcome adopters from all walks of life.

Research has shown that people of faith can be particularly motivated by altruism and a wish to care for the vulnerable, which is obviously a positive thing when it comes to adoption.

Myth #10: I live with extended family, so I can’t adopt

Living with extended family members can be a real bonus for adoptive parents, especially in terms of the support they can offer. But those family members will need to be part of the assessment process and they must understand the particular needs which adopted children may have. They may be asked to attend some appropriate training and make sure they’re around when the child is introduced to the family for the first time.

Myth #11: I have a mental health condition, so I won’t be allowed to adopt

Having a mental health condition will not automatically rule you out from adopting. Any health condition, mental or physical, would need to be discussed fully during the assessment, and all prospective adopters will have a medical in the early stages of the process.  This will help us understand your condition, any issues relating to your ability to adopt a child and how well supported you are by your family and friends.

Many people have short periods of depression, anxiety or stress in their lives and others have longer term mental health conditions which are well managed with medication. Our focus will always be to assess your ability to meet a child’s needs in a consistent way and to consider how the stress of adopting a child will affect your mental health. Talk openly with us and we will support you, regardless of the decision we make.

Myth #12: I can’t adopt because I’m disabled

Being disabled will NOT automatically exclude you from becoming an adoptive parent. Your medical will consider any issues you may experience with parenting an adopted child, but in fact, you may have specific experience and understanding which would make you an especially good adoptive parent. Please talk to us before ruling yourself out.

Myth #13: I’m overweight, so I won’t be allowed to adopt

Many adopters who are overweight successfully adopt children. However, we do need to be sure that adopters are likely to remain healthy and active enough to parent a child into adulthood and that the child will have a healthy lifestyle too.

The medical you have during the assessment will comment upon your lifestyle, BMI and any potential health implications, but we guarantee that this will be discussed with you in a sensitive and respectful way.

Myth #14: I can’t adopt because I have a criminal record

It isn’t necessarily true that a criminal record will prevent you from becoming an adoptive parent. As long as you have no convictions for offences against children or certain sexual offences against an adult, your application may still be considered. Talk to us first, be completely honest, and we will advise you further.

Myth #15: Once we’ve adopted, we’ll be on our own… we won’t get any help

Adoption Mid & West Wales offers lifelong support to its adoptive children and their families. Our adopters can access regular training workshops, support groups and a range of social events. There is also more specialised one-to-one support whenever it’s needed – from surgery appointments, through Theraplay sessions, to counselling. We’re here for you every step of the way.

Myth #16: I won’t be able to raise my child in the Welsh language if they’ve come from an English-speaking household.

Adoption Mid & West Wales place children in families that best match the needs of the child. Language isn’t a barrier when matching. We do place children from English speaking families/foster carers with Welsh speaking families, and they quickly become bilingual.

If adoption is something you have considered, but want to learn more, please contact us for an informal discussion. We’ll support you every step of the way and help to create your golden moments of becoming a family.

You can get in touch by phone 0300 30 32 505 or email adoptionenquiries@carmarthenshire.gov.uk

We are also on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Adoption Barometer

Adoption UK’s 2021 Survey

Take part in the 2021 Barometer Survey. Adoption UK need your responses to help contribute to a flagship report on Adoption in the UK, which will be published this summer. 

Whether you are a prospective adopter, or many years along in your adoption journey, Adoption UK want to hear your views. This is a thorough survey, so please take your time, and complete each section as fully as possible.

This survey is repeated every year so that they can build up a picture of how things are changing over time. Please focus only on your experiences during 2020. 

What is the Adoption Barometer?

The Adoption Barometer is the only comprehensive assessment of the lives of adoptive families across the UK – and the policies that govern adoption. Now in its second year, the Barometer explores families’ experiences throughout the adoption journey, from prospective adopters to those whose children are now young adults. 

It’s based on the biggest ever survey of adopters – in 2020, nearly 5,000 people responded. 

What impact does it have? 

Since their 2019 report, progress has been seen – In Wales there’s been a £2.3m investment in adoption services. 

The report shows that adopters remain positive and resilient –73% would encourage others to adopt. But families are still struggling to get the support they need and deserve.  

One of the main themes to emerge from this year’s report is the failure in diagnosing and treating brain damage caused by children being exposed to alcohol in the womb. The report reveals that one-in-four adopted children are either diagnosed with, or suspected to have, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD). 

More Information 

50% off Adoption UK’s Family Membership

We are offering 50% off Adoption UK’s Family Membership for all new members within the Mid and West Wales region. Join Adoption UK as a family member and become part of a community that cares passionately about adoption. The Family membership is for adoptive parents and prospective adopters.

What’s included in the Family Membership?

Support and advice

Information and resources 

  • Adoption Today bi-monthly magazine full of adoption news, resources and insight.
  • Member-only resources including a video library of webinars and a host of useful fact-sheets on topics such as adoption leave, attachment and parenting teens.
  • Adoption UK lending library which contains hundreds of books, videos and therapeutic games.
  • Blogs and vlogs that delve into a range of relevant and topical issues.

Offers and discounts

For further information or to join please email adoptiontraining@carmarthenshire.gov.uk

Evaluation of the Adoption Support Framework (Wales)

You are being invited to take part in a research study.

The Institute of Public Care (IPC) at Oxford Brookes University has been asked by Welsh Government and the National Adoption Service to evaluate the impact of the national Adoption Support Framework.

The evaluation will run from 2020 to 2021 and will help to better understand what kind of support works for families in different circumstances.

You have been invited to participate along with all other adoptive parents in Wales (we are aiming for a sample of at least 300). With your consent, the evaluation will involve participating in an online survey of your experiences of seeking and getting help, and the impact of any support received on you and your family. The survey will take approximately 20 minutes to complete.

The findings will be written up into at least one report to be published on-line by the National Adoption Service for Wales and by Welsh Government. They may also subsequently be published in a relevant research journal.

At no stage will the identity of participating families or family members be revealed, either directly or indirectly, in reporting.

At no stage will researchers at IPC share your name, contact details or any other information that might reveal your identity. The only exception to this is if, based on something you share, researchers believe someone is at risk of harm. All of the information shared by you will be stored safely for the duration of the evaluation and destroyed safely 1 year after the final report is published.

It is up to you to decide whether or not to take part in the research. You are also free to withdraw at any time up until the point that the data is analysed, without giving a reason. This will not affect in any way the support you might receive in the future or your legal rights.

The research study has been approved by the Oxford Brookes University Research Ethics Committee. If you would like any further information about the evaluation or have any questions or concerns about it or would like to make a complaint, please contact Katy Burch who is the lead evaluator at the Institute of Public Care on 01225484088 or kburch@brookes.ac.uk. If you have any concerns about the way in which the study is being conducted, you should contact the chair of the University ethics committee at ethics@brookes.ac.uk.

If you have started the survey but not yet finished it, please do so as soon as you can and before 25th November at the latest. If you decided to ‘save and continue later’, you should have received an automatically generated Smart Survey email with a link back into it. If you can’t find the email, it may have gone into your spam folder by accident – perhaps worth checking there.

If you haven’t yet started the survey but would like to do so, please click on the link below.

https://www.smartsurvey.co.uk/s/AdoptionSupportWalesFamilySurvey/

The survey will close on 25th November 2020

2 Vacant Posts – Independent Panel Member

AN OPPORTUNITY TO JOIN THE MID & WEST WALES ADOPTION JOINT PANEL AS AN INDEPENDENT PANEL MEMBER – 2 VACANT POSTS

Has your life been touched by Adoption?  If the answer is YES, then you may be interested in becoming an Independent Panel Member for 1 day per month. 

Powys County Council is seeking to appoint an independent member to the Mid & West Wales Joint Adoption Panel for a tenure of four years.

The Adoption Panel makes recommendations as to whether individuals or couples are suitable to adopt a child and makes recommendations for matches between children with a plan of adoption and prospective adopters.

You must be responsible, trustworthy, and be able to read and absorb a great deal of comprehensive written information.  You should have personal experience of adoption and although Adoption Panel is currently online, be able to travel to Adoption Panels in Llandrindod Wells and Brecon. A payment of £150 per Adoption panel to include reading time and panel attendance.

For If you are interested  please email Claire Phillips Adoption Team Manager (Powys) claire.phillips@powys.gov.uk and she will arrange an informal discussion which will be followed by an interview. 

Closing date  30.11.2020                                           

Appointment is subject to interview.

When we became a family

There are golden moments throughout the adoption journey that can really stand out – moments when you become a family.

During National Adoption Week, we spoke to some adopters about what they remember from the first few months of adoption and how they felt becoming parents.

“We became a family from the moment we met her. Everything felt right, our other children bonded with her straight away and when we took her home, the car journey back was one of the most emotional days of our lives.”

“Soon after adopting, going on the Santa Special train ride in the snow, seeing the awe in both my daughter’s eyes and when asked by Santa who we were, replying Mummy and Daddy.”

“When we became a family, we felt like we had gone from life in black and white to life in colour”

As most parents would agree, the first few months can also be daunting and challenging, but ultimately rewarding. To help you through the process, we provide adoption support prior to your child being placed with you and right through until adulthood. The adoption process can bring up a mixture of emotions, as these families found.

“In the first few months of adopting it was lovely knowing he was ours but also scary and emotional”

“It felt wonderful and exciting, a bit like Christmas every day. But it also felt weird and strange and stressful, remembering your child wasn’t legally your child until she could be formally adopted.“

“Becoming a family took patience, time and commitment and happened gradually.”

If adoption is something you have considered, but want to learn more, please contact us for an informal discussion. We’ll support you every step of the way and help to create your golden moments of becoming a family.

You can get in touch by phone 0300 30 32 505 or email adoptionenquiries@carmarthenshire.gov.uk

We are also on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter